Confessions of a Perfectionist

Like many people, High School as an experience taught me a great many things. 

I say "as an experience" because most of the most poignant things I learned were learned and conceived outside of the classroom. Which I believe is how it should be. 

One of the most important things I learned came during my Junior year, and continued for the rest of High School.

This here is one of those truths I learned.

When I was a Junior, I took Chemistry. Seems like no big deal, right? I mean, most people have to take chemistry. My Brain is not necessarily geared towards the sciences. Especially those involving math, but whatever. 

So I went to chemistry. The teacher seemed fine, until I actually started having to take tests, and use the things she was teaching. The entire class quickly found that we had no idea how to do any of this. She would teach it, and it sounded like she knew what she was talking about as we listened, but as we tried to apply it, we were absolutely besides ourselves.

I was getting less than 50% on tests, and I was barely staying a float.

No, before this, school had been easy. I had generally been an A student, and this was earth shattering. This was one of those times where I felt I hit rock bottom. I would study chemistry with my dad for almost 3 hours a night, I would feel like I understood it, and then get 46% on a test.

It was absolutely discouraging. 

This was earth shattering. After only one semester I had to get out of the class. I had never "gotten out of a class" before. My stubborn perfectionist didn't want to at first, because I never quit, at anything. Not even at one of those lame video games you should have quit hours ago. But in this case I had to.

One semester is all it took. It plummeted my GPA enough to make the possibility of academic scholarships next to a zero. The rest of that year was also tough because my math class was extremely hard for me. 

So my junior year ended with terrible grades, which I had never experienced! That was not me. I felt like I had hit rock bottom. It was the end. 

That's the thing about the education system, it only grades on very mathematical, methodical measures, and seldom grades the student's actual capacity to learn.

My thirst for learning was always present, and I have always loved to learn. But this was something else. It was every man for himself, apocalyptic, suicidal survival.

For one of the first times in my life I felt like a true failure. 

I have always been a perfectionist. So, failure was never an option. When it did happen, I felt like a terrible person. But I soon realized that it was okay. I realized that this was part of it. And I had tried. I would have truly failed if I put no effort into it, but I had honestly tried my best, and in that aspect I hadn't failed at all.

Yes, this effected me for the rest of High School. It continues to effect me. 

There are many opportunities and scholarships I was not able to get because of that one class. It stinks. Let me tell ya! Our current system places so much weight on grades, I was watching all of my friends get offers of wonderful scholarships, and I had none. 

But, things all work out in the end. Luckily, I had my music. I continued to work and work endlessly to prepare my music, and it has helped me be able to go to college. 

Sure, I don't have as much money as I could have. But I have much more. I have learned something that would have been much harder to learn in college itself. I've learned that failure is okay, and I have learned better ways of preventing failure on a huge scale. 

Yeah, my life isn't necessarily perfect. There are things I wish I could change, but then again it is pretty much perfect. Us Americans have a crazy way of looking at other people's lives and thinking their lives are perfect, and how little we have. However, we have some of the greatest opportunities. We may not have the perfect lives we want, or the perfect lives our Facebook profiles say we do, but believe it or not, our lives are quite perfect. 

It's not about being an absolute success, with everything being perfect in one's life. It's about having the ups and downs, the good and bad, the crazy and calm, and the failures in life that actually do make it quite perfect.

We just have to find our perfection in our life.

And we just have to remember, things usually work out in the end. Especially if one always tries one's best. 

I still graduated with High Honors.

College still accepted me.

And at the end of the day, It's this that really matters. It's the people, not the accomplishments in life. Because accomplishments can only get you so far, but the people in your life will be there to carry you wherever, or whenever you need.